i thought i would slip this entry in before i get some work done. just to, well you know, let my thoughts out a bit so that i won't be thinking half of the time and bugging myself to blog. so i've decided i should really blog now and to ban my mind from talking while studying.

anyway, i think my head ain't so muddled up now. everything use to be a blur even though i had confidence and knew what i was going to do. the problem was, i didn't had any goals. i was this teen stuck up in the world of brooding, wanting to just skip studies although i know it was going to happen and to actaully start living my own life. i think the problem was i had no goals nor aims. now that i figured out one of them which is close to the life i'm living now, i have actaully something to look foward to and to start working for it.

well, that's only for the future.

other things that were in the past and are happening now actually comes clearer to my mind now. i guess you could say i was enlightened by them,(privacy due to the fact that this is made public) after watching that heartening affections towards each other, it clued me in on reality and how innocence can sometimes paint the art of the world. i envied them in a way i never thought i would with anyone and realized this type of affections? i was actually middle and part of it all.

you know sometimes we bitch and all gossip and all that cause at that certain point of time we just can't stand that person because that person has somehow perhaps pissed us off in one way another. to me at least, truth is, i found out recently i actaully care about those people. secretly, deep down my heart, somewhere along the veins, just that half of the time i need to vent off my anger so that those veins need not burst.

sometimes jealousy gets in the way. and i really hate being jealous. cause, i shouldn't be. insecurity i believe and the fact half of the time i'm bloody sensitive to the world around me.

i was in denial thinking that i wasn't jealous, that i just couldn't stand that person or so. truth it, i think it was jealousy and somehow i wish people would forgive me after all i'm a lucky needle in a stack of hay. sometimes i take it for granted, push the buttons a little too much. and a little words from another or just the slightest movement from another pains me with a pang in my heart cause what i believe half of the time is jealousy and just cost me the stupid mood swings i shouldn't have.

i guess i could blame it on how i was brought up. be weary of others, be street smart, be careful, watching your own back, so as to not be hurt; not wanting to be hurt. who wants to be hurt anyways? but once your head get sorted out, things becomes clearer and you kinda learn from there. for me it's just another chapter of an open book, but now i won't brood over silly facts of the slightest things.

today, i learn i could do that, and for once i was proud of myself cause of it. it happen oh so accidentally when usually that voice i hated for so long was sounded. i realized i wasn't angry with it or pissed or irritated just as i usually would have. just quiet, peacefuly calm self of heart. sure, i guess once in awhile i'll get that urge to beat a person up radomly cause he/she either ways has offended me without even knowing so. i mean what i hate sometimes is the insensitivity of people, not being able to sense. the oblivious of the world. and later hurt people around; well in this case hurt me. am i being selfish cause i want people to sense me, to understand and know me, to know what i'm like to understand my moods. whatever. am i being too self-centered then?

hard to say, cause sometimes i feel the urge to help people with thier personal problems. not being an emotional baricade, but you know just to help them. one good reason is cause so that i can focus about someone else instead of myself (which i have just learnt), to not feel selfish and to not just concentrate about myself. because that's what sometimes i wish to do. don't everybody at sometime of thier low time in life?

sometimes perhaps is to show people i care. or perhaps even as to an extent to be well-liked and just not to be bitched and gossip and being a topic of people bad chapters in a book. after all, i keep on getting surprises as to when people actaully start talking bad about other people. who wants to be a bad topic? you never really know what's going on behind your back. you can sense it, but sometimes you really don't know. and perhaps you don't wish to know.

sure, i kind of came to an acceptence to certain people in life who dislike me cause it became a neutral deposition in my feelings to just accept it. a brief connection in life that perhaps is getting ready for me in society. it's nice to think there is a god out there who actually cares. and i guess i'm starting to actaully believe in faith and in a god doubtless on his looks and his forms. after all, there's many different variations what he looks like. i always believe that religon is to keep half of the world sane, and turth is i believe i'm right, cause somehow it is keeping me sane. it just that certain of the aspects of god of a different religons and believes which forsakens the people into deeds people with true faith shouldn't do sickens me. many examples i can give, but i wouldn't want to start a riot on my blog.

now that i can actually see the future where it isn't so foggy, i believe now i can strive hard in what i want to do with my life. i lied if i ever said that money isn't important for now i officially believe that money is an valuble asset in life. without money, there's practically no life. i'm going to be safe and secure with it, but at the same time i'm going to use it for good. cause i know it's the right thing, and well i really wish to help. got to start by saving money in the house (which i am almost failing to).

warm hands and heart now, i'll take a step into the future. so i'll stop typing here to do my studies and to perservere to do well; at least, i'll try to.

that was a rather long entry, but ah, it's all type written already. glad i did it before i break for the exams with wanting to have this post blogged up bugging me. well, that's for slipping in an entry. got to be one of my longest post yet.